Baby Bump

After our Anniversary trip we stopped at Old Navy so that I could get a couple skirts to help extend my wardrobe for the next few weeks. Sean saw the model and laughed at her "baby bump". Granted, this time around I am much larger than I have ever felt before.

Pregnant model at Old Navy

 Complete with new stretch marks, measuring at least 3 weeks over my actual dates, varicose veins and heartburn that I have never experienced before. For the first time ever, in my whole life, I am having trouble sleeping. Anytime I am tempted to complain, I remember how blessed I am to get to do this again. I have so many women in my circle of friends who are unable to have babies. The reasons are as varied as the women, infertility, health issues, miscarriage, and unwilling husbands. My heart breaks for them. Yet, it helps me to keep perspective on what a huge responsibility and gift this baby is.

Me, 7 months pregnant at Old Navy

After Liberty was born, I was torn about completely trusting God with our family size. We always had, but her birth along with the 2 prior were tough and traumatic. After her birth I struggled with anxiety. I clung to the verse Philippians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God, and the Peace of God, which passes all understanding shall guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
I began praying for an answer. Then my hormones took a dive. I started to really struggle with rage, and contentment. After a visit to my naturopath, I discovered that I had ZERO progesterone in my system. I was elated! Not only was there a reason for my crazy moods, but I was officially in menopause which meant no more pregnancy and no more birth. It also meant no more babies, but a very clear answer to prayer.

Almost 8 months.

It was strange being in a different place. I was no longer the woman with all the little kids. All my children were potty trained, sleeping through the night and we actually make progress when we go berry picking. I finally took down and gave away my crib. I filled my fall and winter with births. I love being with pregnant women. Helping them, supporting them, and cuddling with their delicious newborns. I couldn't deny that my desire for another baby in my arms was pretty strong. I knew that it wasn't possible. Still, every month I found myself hoping that by some miracle I might be pregnant. I knew that would involve a certain amount of anxiety, lots of Lovenox shots, and Birth, but it also meant a baby. 

So I prayed, "Lord, please either fulfill this desire for a baby, or take it away!" I really expected Him to take the desire away, I mean that is the most logical answer. The following week I had some bleeding, like 6 hours one day. I was annoyed and the only thought I had was, "I wonder what that was all about?" 

The next month I found my self sick, extremely tired and tender. When I finally convinced myself to take a pregnancy test I was shocked. The only thing I could do was bring that little stick with the 2 lines on it downstairs and set it on the counter in front of Sean. I had absolutely no idea what his reaction was going to be. He looked at it, then looked at me and grinned great big. We decided to keep it a secret for a few weeks ( I am not one for secrets) but it was fun to have him call during the day and say, "We are having a baby!" or whisper, "You're pregnant". I feel like this baby had truly brought us closer together. I'm still not sure the reality of it has fully hit me, but for now I am determined to enjoy the bliss of these final 6 weeks of pregnancy. Praise God from whom all blessings come!